Nature is a Fascist!

The speed at which mankind has used the Earth’s resources over the past 20 years has put “humanity’s very survival” at risk, a study involving 1,400 scientists has concluded.

The environmental audit, for the United Nations, found that each person in the world now requires a third more land to supply his or her needs than the Earth can supply.

Thirty per cent of amphibians, 23 per cent of mammals and 12 per cent of birds are under threat of extinction, while one in ten of the world’s major rivers runs dry every year before it reaches the sea.

The bleak verdict on the environment was issued as an “urgent call for action” by the United Nations Environment Programme, which said that the “point of no return” was fast approaching.

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How dare the environment force such ultimatums! Hasn’t it heard of free market capitalism? Each human should have the right to consume as much resources as they want, no matter the consequences. That’s what freedom is. We require more because there’s so much awesome disposable stuff these days. Nature just depresses people, anyway—it should be banned.

And animal extinctions? We have the endangered species list for that: when a critter’s numbers dwindle to the dozens—and they’re cute—we’ll save them from their harsh natural habitats (maybe, if Buffy isn’t on) and put them in safe ziplocked plastic zoos for forced breeding programs. In any case, if they were smart at all they’d abandon natural selection for Social Darwinism like we did.

Shayne